Kin-Dza-Dza!
Screenplay by Revaz GABRIADZE Georgi DANELIYA
Directed by Georgi DANELIYA
Camera And Staging by Pavel LEBESHEV
Music by Giya KANCHELI
Starring:
Stanislav LYUBSHIN as Vladimir Nikolaevich "Vovka" Mashkov aka "Uncle Vova"
Evgeni LEONOV as Uef ("Chatlanian")
Yuri YAKOVLEV as Be ("Patzak")
Levan GABRIADZE as Gedevan aka "Fiddler"
- Hi. - Hi.
- Anything new? - Pipes sprang a leak at the construction site.
[ A goofy song is heard on TV ]
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
You don't have a warm and pretty shawl. And no fur coat do I have at all!
- How's our "A-grade" student? - He's out with friends.
Vovka! Go buy some bread. I forgot.
Oh, and fetch some noodles too.
Comrade, that man over there says he's from another planet. We have to do something.
Call 911.
I will, but he's almost barefoot. He'll catch a cold.
- How do you do? - How do you do?
Please, excuse my bad smell.
- It's cold here. I found this in a garbage bin. - Well done!
Friend! Please, tell me your planet number in Tenture,
or at least the galaxy number in the Spiral.
I pushed the wrong keys and now I can't return home.
Well, my dear fellow, we don't remember the number...
Look, let's send this guy to the information office,
and we'll wait for him together at the baker's, okay?
- You can put these on. - Uh-huh... Thank you.
Look, friends. There's no need for the baker's
or the information office.
This is my planet: Uzm, 247 in Tenture,
Galaxy Beta in The Spiral.
This is my space-teleportation gadget.
Which keys should I push to get teleported home?
Since time is relative... You do understand that, right?
OK, my friend. I have a proposition. We "push the keys" now...
and get teleported to your place.
But if your little gizmo doesn't work...
you will be transported to where we transport you. A deal?
No, you can't do it without knowledge.
Sure we can.
And you? What do you see? Huh?
- Sand... - So, the frickin' gizmo worked.
And that freak with a grid... Did he stay behind?
Keep calm! Just keep calm.
We have sun, sand... and we have gravity.
- Where are we? We are on Earth, or... - Or...?
No, let's assume we're on Earth, in some desert. Right?
Say, Karakum. Huh?
What other deserts do we have?
- Gobi, Sahara... - I said 'we' have!
We also have... Kyzylkum.
No. Let's assume it's Karakum. Huh?
So, the sun is to the west, Ashgabad-city must be there.
Understood? Let's go.
Come on! Come on!
Comrade, what is your name?
Vladimir Nikolaevich.
- I'm Gedevan. - 'Pleased to meet you.'
You have a bottle in your bag. Is it wine?
No. It's vinegar.
I also have some herbs and spices.
Then... all systems go.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, do you remember the number he mentioned?
- The man I gave my socks to... - No.
Maybe, we're on his planet?
Listen, Fiddler...
We can guess all we want. That won't change a frickin' thing!
We've chosen a direction and we keep walking.
We just need to get to the water. Clear?
Vladimir Nikolaevich, I want to change into slippers.
- Well, do it! - Then stop walking!
- What time is it? - Four.
- At night? - At night.
Are you late for something?
It's embarrassing...
I called from the airport, said I'd be there in an hour, and...
- You study music? - No. The violin isn't mine.
It is Maestro Rogozin's.
He was on a tour in my hometown, and after the concert
they forgot to put the violin in the plane.
- Banquet? - Nope, just a dinner.
- Oh... Are you from Tbilisi? - From Batumi. [Georgia, the Caucasus]
I thought I would return the violin and manage to catch the commuter train.
- I study Textile Manufacturing in Ivanovo. - Uh-huh...
I wanted to study International Relations in Moscow, but there they told me...
Hush!
A man.
- "Koo". - Hello.
A capitalist country...
Do you speak any foreign languages?
English, French... after a fashion.
Tell them we have no money.
Tell them now! It's not a free show.
How do you do?
We are tourists. We've lost our group.
Please, give us a ride to the nearest city, and we'll find our way from there.
Translate.
Hello.
We have no money.
We left money, passports and foreign currency with our guide.
We stepped aside for a moment and got lost in the sands.
Take it. Very warm.
Excuse me.
You want my fur-cap? Here you are.
It's not mine. I can't give it away.
- There's nothing in there. - Open it.
It's not wine, it's vinegar.
Sour, isn't it?
So, that's settled then? Friend, will you give us a ride?
Fiddler, hurry up!
Just to the nearest city. We'll be all right there.
What? My jacket?
Jerks...
I'm glad I didn't give them the violin.
Looks like they're sorry.
"Ketze" what?
I think he wants a match.
You want a match?
Take it.
The whole box?
You get us out of here, and we'll give you the "koo".
Not a single letter, not a single "Made in", heh?
Sorry. I don't understand.
"Sprechen Sie Turkish?"
What do they want?
It's "koo" they want.
Thank you.
He wants me to put on a bell.
It's his problem.
I'll put it on, Vladimir Nikolaevich. It's getting rather awkward.
Whatever.
All right, you win.
I'll just have a smoke.
Easy! Easy there. Easy.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, maybe we are really on...
Yeah, typical Martians.
"Lucy, darling, damn you! You just had to get those noodles!"
Well. You do speak Russian. Why did you keep it back?
We didn't keep it back.
It's hard to penetrate your minds when you 2 think in different languages.
And this Patzak always speaks languages he hardly even knows!
What are you staring at? "Maimuna verishvilla"!
- They speak Georgian, too! - What did he say?
- "Monkey, son of an ass." - That's it!
We are from the Soviet Union. We are here on a cultural exchange.
Our authorities know where we are. They are looking for us.
If you don't let us get in touch with our embassy,
you'll be in serious trouble. Capish?
We don't understand "embassy". Put the 'tzak' back! Quickly!
You understand "noodles", and you understand "maimuna",
yet you don't know "embassy"? You poor things.
Enough! Stop fooling us around! Got it?
About noodles... I simply said what you thought.
It's not Earth, my dear fellow, and it's not Africa.
It's planet Pluke, 215 in Tenture. Galaxy Kin-Dza-Dza in the Spiral. Got it?
Well, hello, here we are.
Put the bell on, my dear. Put it on.
Right... Attaboy!
- Excuse me, where have we landed? - Shh! He's got sharp hearing.
- Do you know the Tenture of your planet? - Tenture?
Well, tell us your galaxy number in the Spiral
- In the spiral? - Yes, yes, in the Spiral.
Well, Earth is there, you know... spinning next to such planets as...
Venus, Saturn, Mars, Jupiter...
- What else, Vladimir Nikolaevich? - The Big Dipper.
Vladimir Nikolaevich, come over here.
- Do you have more matches on your planet? - Available.
How many will you give us if we put you there?
- How many do you need? - Two full boxes like this one.
- Seven! - Seven!
And give me all that you have here. I will trade them for a 'gravitzapa'.
Excuse me, what is "gravitzapa"?
Well, it's a thing without which 'Pepelatz' can only fly like this...
but with a gravitzapa... to any place in the Universe... in 5 seconds.
But how do you guys drive your Pepelatz out of the garage without a gravitzapa?
- That's not right. - We did have a gravitzapa!
But when we landed here, someone snatched it up.
- By any chance, do you have a space-teleportation gadget? - No. No.
- Give me the matches. - Give us some water.
Like this! Do like this!
Do like this! Like this!
This is yours. This is what you use for smoking now.
Thank you.
He says they have a gravitzapa.
- Put your matches here. - Well, we'll do like this...
When you put us on Earth, you'll get this, and this.
Hey!
Fiddler, let's go into the 'open space'.
Stop!
Give it back!
- Give it back! - Only on Mother Earth.
Vladimir Nikolaevich!
You said, if we take you to the city, you will give us all of them.
And now you stole a match from us!
A Patzak shall not cheat another Patzak. That's not nice!
I said 'to the city'!
- And what is this? - It's a shed.
And what is this? and this? and this here? How come it's not a city?
Hey, don't get jerky!
Show us your gravitzapa If it's a quality brand, we'll take it.
Patzak!
Only blockheads would take smuggled ketze in front of witnesses,
when it means to be sentenced to 'etsikh' for life, with nails! Do you have 'ku' for brains or what?
We'll buy it ourselves. Let's go.
Stop! I said 'stop!'
Who are you?
I asked 'who are you?'
- Alien construction foreman. - No, you are a Patzak.
- And who are you? - I'm Georgian.
No, you are also a Patzak.
You are a Patzak, you are a Patzak, and he is a Patzak.
And I am a Chatlanian, and they are Chatlanians.
So, put on your tzak, and stay in the Pepelatz! Got it?
Oh, yeah?
My friend, look at me. How does the 'Visator'respond?
Do you see the light? What color? Green, isn't it?
Now look at him. It's green. And the same with you... green.
Now look at Uef. What color? Orange, isn't it?
That's because he is a Chatlanian. Do you read me?
- What? - Pluke is a Chatlanian planet.
So, we Patzaks, must wear tzaks.
Yes! And before us, Chatlanians, you have to do like this!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, this is outrageous racism!
- Please, would you show it again? - Like this!
- A bit slower, would you? Please. - Like... this...
Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Back home you have a wife, a son with problems at school,
overdue mortgage payment.
Yet, here you are... playing the fool.
There can be a sad ending, my dear.
Take it.
- OK, Fiddler, we'll play their game. - That's a boy!
Now, give a match to Uef. He'll buy a gravitzapa.
- But he said he needed them all. - I was joking.
Heh... You guys are so funny!
- Koo! - Wait! Koo. We'll go together.
Don't show them any of your ketze. Don't even think about them.
Just show them my ketze.
And don't give'em more than half a match. It's a fair price for a gravitzapa.
Your Patzak said it costs a whole match.
Shhh! He was joking too.
Cement series 300, isn't it?
- Patzak! Remember... half or less. - All right.
Excuse me, but what is "Chatlanian" or "Patzak"? Ethnicity?
No.
- A biological factor? - No.
- People from different planets? - No.
So, in what way are they different?
Fiddler, are you color-blind or what? Can't you tell green from orange? Tourist!
Hey! A skyscraper!
Come on, let's go.
Koo! Do as I taught you.
Hi, missy.
Must be chilly in that fur coat?
They won't let me in. They want you alone.
Don't give them the ketze. Bring the gravitzapa here. I'll check it.
Go!
Not allowed!
- We're together. - Not allowed!
Vladimir Nikolaevich, tell him!
It's all right. Wait here.
Just don't go anywhere.
Hi.
How's life?
To squat, you say?
Well, out of respect for the ladies present.
Well? What's new on Pluke?
Put a ketze here and you'll get a gravitzapa.
- Only a half. - A half.
- Can I have a look? - Sure.
Actually I'm not an expert in these gravitzapas.
Let's show it to my Chatlanian. He'll check it.
Just a minute... to set up a 'tzapa'.
A sore throat?
Water.
I have a proposition.
I'll give you the rest of this ketze for 2 bottles of water. A deal?
A deal.
Do you have food?
Porridge.
What kind?
Plastic.
Look. I'll give you this whole ketze
for 5 bottles of water and a kilo of porridge.
- What's this? - Ketze.
- We'll have to make a checkup again. - As you wish.
Hey, hang on a sec!
Just wait.
Fiddler, how about you? Can you get matches on Earth?
Yes, I can.
If you can spit further than me, I'll give you half a 'chatle'.
If I can spit further, then over there, on Earth, you'll owe me 2 matches.
- Understood? - No way.
It's a simple game. I bet half a chatle. You bet 3 matches.
- Here, kid. Spit. - No, thank you.
Well, OK. You bet one match. I bet 3 chatles and yellow pants.
And I'll give you a head-start like this. Come on.
- No. - Blue pants!
Mr. Uef, I'm not gonna do it under any circumstances.
Is that your final answer?
Then stop fooling me around, "Maimuna verishvilla"! [Monkey, son of an ass]
Mr. Uef! I represent a civilized planet and demand that you mind your vocabulary!
That's that!
Where are they?
- Who? - That one, with a scar.
I'm a moron. I gave him all the matches.
Guys, stop it. That's enough.
Enough? Enough of what?
I told him a thousand times that we should fly to the Center.
But he is greedy... like all Chatlanians. "Two chatles cheaper..." Ku!
Well, I have one left.
As far as I understand, it's enough for a gravitzapa, ain't it?
Give it to me, please.
- What for? - To buy a gravitzapa.
- Where? - There, in the Center.
And how are you going to get us to Mother Earth,
if you don't even know in what galaxy it is spinning?
We can get your planet number, you moron,
in any planetarium in the Center for 2 chatles!
Give me the match, okay?
So that you could 'cover us up' with sand?
- It means you won't give it? - No.
- Is that your final answer? - As final as can be.
Farewell then, my dear friend.
They will fly away, Vladimir Nikolaevich
No, they won't. They can sell their own mother for a couple of matches.
Either you give us the match now,
or we won't put you on Earth for less than 7 matchboxes!
Two thousand.
Three.
- Two and three hundred. - Three.
Two thousand five hundred. I can't give more.
Yes, you can, my friend.
Mr. Be,
I have 50 roubles.
Matches cost 2 kopeks per box.
So, I can buy 2500 matchboxes.
Fiddler is just telling the tale! He's got more chatles.
Mr Uef, stop calling me "Fiddler". Address me as Gedevan Alexandrovich.
Is it the engine there?
Stop poking your nose into every hole, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'.
Gedevan, how about we tie these two scoundrels up and set a course north?
What for?
Maybe, there's the Mediterranean Sea swashing and splashing over there.
Heh... Vladimir Nikolaevich, are you nuts, my friend?
A sea? on Pluke?
All seas have been used up long ago to make 'luts'.
Excuse me, to make what?
Fuel, Fiddler. Fuel.
Here. That would be 6140 matchboxes.
How come it's so many already?
You stuff your faces with porridge. You drink water. Plus the "Widget".
Cross the "Widget" out, we are not into widgets. Put it back.
Let's take it. We need to bring a sample of technology, or no-one will believe us.
Then give them the violin, if you like the Widget so much.
It's an Italian antique violin, worth a thousand roubles, if not more.
How will I ever pay for it?
Fiddler! Instead of thinking that you are "the first Georgian cosmonaut"
and that you "will get a Nobel prize",
return the spoon you stole from the poor guys like us.
I wasn't thinking any of that.
I wanted to donate it to the Institute of non-ferrous metals. Maybe, it's something new.
Heaven! Heaven knows, Fiddler, you are a disgrace for all Patzaks.
I am very deeply saddened.
- Where are you going? - To the toilet.
You can't take money to the toilet.
Leave the money here, 'Gedevan Alexandrovich'.
- Ketze, my dear fellow, is very expensive. - Why?
Well, over there, on Earth, how do you know
how many times who has to squat and before whom?
We go by instinct!
Barbarians!
Look,
I've come to like you. So, I'll teach you.
If I have 'a little' ketze,
I have a right to wear yellow pants.
and Patzaks have to squat before me not just once but twice.
If I have 'a lot' of ketze,
I have a right to wear pink pants
and not only do Patzaks have to squat before me twice
...but Chatlanians have to koo as well!
And Etsilops cannot beat me up at night! Ever!
Um... I have a proposition.
You, my dear fellow, give us the match now,
and later we will bring you yellow pants. A deal?
Thanks, I already have a pair. Maybe, Fiddler needs some?
Fiddler! The aliens are peddling some pants here.
Yellow. Do you need any?
There is no Fiddler, my friend.
- Come again? - I have baled him out.
Don't worry, Vladimir Nikolaevich We have another catapult. A new one.
That one was broken anyway.
I didn't get it...
I pressed the 'kappa'. He flew away.
Fiddler isn't needed. He was a waste of fuel.
Turn back!
We can't.
We're out of luts. We have to fly to the luts station.
Turn back! Or I'll burn this frickin' ketze right here!
Gedevan!
Fiddler!
- He couldn't just disappear! - I told you... he got busted by Etsilops.
- Now let's fly, my friend. - I could just kill you!
Call the Etsilops on the radio!
We have no radio. We threw it away.
I'll come and check it!
Etsilop!
Put on your tzak, quickly!
- Put on a tzak! - Don't hold your breath.
Put it on! or he'll 'tranklukate' both you and the match!
How do you do?
Look, friend, we lost a guy around here. Did you see him?
What?
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
So, did you pick him up?
I told you, Fiddler isn't needed. I told you!
How are we supposed to buy luts now? How?!
- You, my dear fellow, are a pest! - He is even worse. He's just a ku!
I have a proposition.
We find Fiddler,
and then we go to the local government.
Bring me some sand, please.
We'll tell them who we are and where we are from.
They will give us a gravitzapa, and we will...
organize a mutually beneficial trade.
You will send us yellow pants,
and we will send you ketze as much as you want.
To fly to the government we need a gravitzapa!
The government is on another planet, my dear friend.
Uncle Vova! I'm here! Here!
- Fiddler! - What?
Where is my... whatchamacallit?
- Tzak? - Yeah.
- I've got it. - Well, give it to me.
- But what for? - Just give it to me.
But there is nobody around.
- That one is mine. - So, keep it handy!
- Are you asleep? - No.
Don't lose heart, Fiddler.
If there is a gravitzapa on this Pluke, we'll get it.
We've managed to get even more rare things!
Quiet!
Hey! Stop!
Hey, would you give us a ride to the Center?
- Patzak! Stop there! - What?
Don't come any closer.
- What do you want? - Give us a ride to the Center!
Three chatles.
We have no money, but we can work it off.
What can you do?
- Me? Anything! - Be specific.
Vladimir Nikolaevich is a builder! a foreman!
We'll build you a house!
And what can 'you' do?
Me?
He can play the violin!
Play!
- Play. - I can't!
Bye, Patzaks!
Hey! Missy! Wait! I can play!
Do play!
Here?
There!
Wait! I'll adjust the sound.
Play!
And sing!
Okay, just a sec.
How does it go...?
Mommy, mommy, give me some advice. Winter's coming with the frost and ice.
Wow!
What?
- I said 'Wow!' - Heh... People like it.
- What? - People like it!
No.
- I could drum. - How's that?
Foreman!
Fiddler isn't needed.
It's okay. He won't be a drag.
- Come on, give us some water, huh? - I said: 'after the performance'.
We might as well just take it...
by force. Then you'd have to beg us.
Oh really! You touch me, and an Etsilop will come and rip your legs off.
I don't care a damn about your Etsilop!
Easy there, Fiddler. Don't provoke the lady.
Foreman!
Watch!
Okay, I get it. I get it.
Look, do you have a friend with a gravitzapa and a Pepelatz?
What for?
If you could give us a ride to Earth, we'd give you each a box of matches.
I understand that no one believes in words here. Well, tell me what I am thinking.
That your wife must be calling the morgues now.
No. What am I thinking right now?
That you'll do it.
See? It's true!
Ha! What kind of fool would ever think the truth on Pluke!
"Absurd!"
And since you say what you don't think
and 'think' what you don't think,
you all sit in cages! And on the whole
all this bitter cataclysm that I observe here...
together with Vladimir Nikolaevich...
Patzaks are to perform in cages. So be it.
Stop showing off!
It's OK, darling. We'll be singing here, right next to it.
Get in. He spotted us. You'll get us all tranklukated.
- We are not animals. - What?!
- Now you'll get in! Get in! - Let go! Stop it!
Get in now, or he'll melt us down!
Well, if you insist... Fiddler, let's get in.
Go ahead.
One, two, three...
- Dance! - Dance!
You know what? Go find some other band! Dude!
What?!?!
I'll be back. Stay put!
We must get out of here.
Boys, give the cart a push. It's uphill.
'This' we'll do with pleasure.
Rev it up!
Bye-bye! Jerks!
I will tell everyone...
...where the planet is going under this clown PG!
Patzaks have no fri�kin' respect for Chatlanians!
Ku!
Well? Is everything in there?
She stole my cologne.
Women.
Let me... What do you have in there? Bricks?
I'll carry it, Uncle Vova.
I don't even know which way to look...
Where is Earth?
Galina Borisovna! Me and comrade Mashkov, being Patzaks,
could earn only 2 chatles for a show. And that's at best.
Water, luts, and fines to the Etsilops cost a chatle a day... at least.
And a gravitzapa is worth half a ketze! That's 2200 chatles.
Divide by 365. Minus weekends. Equals 6.
I simply couldn't get back in less than 6 years.
Very well, Gedevan Alexandrovich, but I only have your word for it.
Do you have any proof that you indeed returned from Space?
Maybe, you simply sold the violin, as Maestro Ragosin assume,
...and then spent some quality time, out in the disco.
This is a mineral.
This is a chatle.
This is a tzak.
A metal nut and a sample of sand
are appended to the report I handed in to the Dean's secretary.
So they could forward it to the UNESCO.
- Where?! - UNESCO [United Nations].
You are a grown-up man, Gedevan Alexandrovich.
You studied here for a term, and then disappeared for years.
Now you show up
with a pebble,
a piece of Georgian ceramics
and a little bell.
And you expect us to...
And by the way, if you are so musical,
why weren't you in our student orchestra?
Excuse me, Fiddler, but this is elementary 'koo'!
END OF PART ONE